(Please note that this was written prior to the last post when I was still using Methadone)
Here I sit in the library with heavy eyelids and a bright view of the future. My eyelids are heavy due to the methadone I have injected today - all of yesterday's dose - which combined with today's dose that I drank this morning is having precisely the effect I had hoped for.
Although I remain committed to sobriety I am still in love with opiates - in fact I think I always will be. That is the most difficult aspect of drug addiction to wrap my head around - drugs make you feel good. Sure there are negative effects but with opiates generally those negative effects are few are far between and in any case are primarily caused by the illegal nature of the substances rather than the substances themselves. For example, one negative effect of opiates is their addictive nature. However, if they were not illegal there would be little danger of running out and one could avoid the negative consequences and associated panic of withdrawal. Of course this leaves out the aspect of being beholden to a drug. It is not nice to know that you need any substance, but my need for opiates is hardly different for my need for the medication that keeps my glaucoma under control and protects me from blindness. In both cases the substance in question treats a malady and must be kept in regular supply to avoid serious consequences, yet one class of drug is treated very differently by society than the other.
Of course there is also the aspect of cognitive deficiency caused by using opiates; while I admit the deficiency caused is rather mild and cannot compare to the cognitve impairments caused by drugs such as marijuana or methamphetamine.
So we are left with the question of "why?" What factor or factors exist that motivate my decision to cease using drugs. A primary one is that opiates sap me of my motivation; of my will to do...anything. Also, they give me comfort by insulating me from the hurt of being alive. However by insulating me they also cut me off from full engagement with the world and therefore from a complete understanding of my problems and the path to their resolution. What use is being alive if I am not willling to engage in life; to be honest with myself in regard to my shortcomings and sincerely ask myself what can be done to be a better man.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Methadone Withdrawal - 65mg to Nothing
Plans don't always work out the way you intended; sometimes it's for the best and other times maybe it seems like you've make a great big fuck up - and then later you realize it was the best choice you could have made. I am hoping the choice I made a week ago was indeed correct but only time will tell.
Over the last 3 months I have been trying to get off Methadone. I was up to 100mg per day and felt like it was starting to affect my ability to concentrate, not to mention the many other cognitive skills that are useful when one is trying to complete a psychology degree. Therefore I made the decision to move into a small apartment attached to my parent's house so I could get away from the drug filled and permissive environment I was in at that time and work on reducing my Methadone over the next few months.
Being in a new environment I found it easy to stop smoking marijuana and cigarettes. Well, easy is may not the best word, but it wasn't as hard as I expected. Now 3 months later I've only had one small slip up (as described in a previous post). As far as the Methadone I have been gradually reducing my dose every few weeks until last Friday when I was down to 65mg per day.
The plan was for me swap from Methadone to another drug called Suboxone (buprenorphine) and then taper me down to having nothing by the time I was to enter rehab on the 31st of October.
Now the thing with Suboxone is that for it to work your opiate receptors have to be clear of any other opioids. In other words you have to be in withdrawal, so instead of my usual two takeaway doses I was only given one dose for Saturday and nothing for Sunday. Being the bad boy I am and wanting to enjoy one last hit I injected the takeaway dose I had been given that same day knowing I could get through the weekend without too much discomfort. I figured it was my last chance anyway and so worth the extra discomfort.
Come Monday I was feeling alright as I was driving to the clinic. I was feeling so good in fact that I pulled over and thought about what I was doing: I was off to take a drug to help me get off another drug. It didn't seem to make sense to me especially considering that I was feeling far better than expected. So, I turn my vehicle around and headed back home.
The nurse from the clinic later called to ask where I was. I explained why I hadn't come and she was quite supportive and even offered me some diazepam if I needed it that night to sleep. It's not like I am going turn down Valium being the druggie that I am, and it did take the edge off my anxiety about what was to come and helped me sleep.
My symptoms have gradually gotten worse through the week but to seem to be evening off a little now. Sleep has not been great even though I have been almost completely free of what, in the past, has been my worse withdrawal symptom - restless arms and legs - but then that is probably due to the Valium I have been taking.
So it's been a whole week now. I've come too far to stop now. I crave a shot of something nice but it wouldn't be that easy to get it being that I have put so much distance between me and my old suppliers. At this stage I feel really tired yet not confident that I'll get the sleep I crave tonight or any night soon. I also feel very emotional. I was actually in tears listening to John Lennon earlier and I feel them coming on again just thinking about it. So best I leave you now. Talk again soon and sorry for the rambling post - my brain isn't at its best.
Over the last 3 months I have been trying to get off Methadone. I was up to 100mg per day and felt like it was starting to affect my ability to concentrate, not to mention the many other cognitive skills that are useful when one is trying to complete a psychology degree. Therefore I made the decision to move into a small apartment attached to my parent's house so I could get away from the drug filled and permissive environment I was in at that time and work on reducing my Methadone over the next few months.
Being in a new environment I found it easy to stop smoking marijuana and cigarettes. Well, easy is may not the best word, but it wasn't as hard as I expected. Now 3 months later I've only had one small slip up (as described in a previous post). As far as the Methadone I have been gradually reducing my dose every few weeks until last Friday when I was down to 65mg per day.
The plan was for me swap from Methadone to another drug called Suboxone (buprenorphine) and then taper me down to having nothing by the time I was to enter rehab on the 31st of October.
Now the thing with Suboxone is that for it to work your opiate receptors have to be clear of any other opioids. In other words you have to be in withdrawal, so instead of my usual two takeaway doses I was only given one dose for Saturday and nothing for Sunday. Being the bad boy I am and wanting to enjoy one last hit I injected the takeaway dose I had been given that same day knowing I could get through the weekend without too much discomfort. I figured it was my last chance anyway and so worth the extra discomfort.
Come Monday I was feeling alright as I was driving to the clinic. I was feeling so good in fact that I pulled over and thought about what I was doing: I was off to take a drug to help me get off another drug. It didn't seem to make sense to me especially considering that I was feeling far better than expected. So, I turn my vehicle around and headed back home.
The nurse from the clinic later called to ask where I was. I explained why I hadn't come and she was quite supportive and even offered me some diazepam if I needed it that night to sleep. It's not like I am going turn down Valium being the druggie that I am, and it did take the edge off my anxiety about what was to come and helped me sleep.
My symptoms have gradually gotten worse through the week but to seem to be evening off a little now. Sleep has not been great even though I have been almost completely free of what, in the past, has been my worse withdrawal symptom - restless arms and legs - but then that is probably due to the Valium I have been taking.
So it's been a whole week now. I've come too far to stop now. I crave a shot of something nice but it wouldn't be that easy to get it being that I have put so much distance between me and my old suppliers. At this stage I feel really tired yet not confident that I'll get the sleep I crave tonight or any night soon. I also feel very emotional. I was actually in tears listening to John Lennon earlier and I feel them coming on again just thinking about it. So best I leave you now. Talk again soon and sorry for the rambling post - my brain isn't at its best.
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