Smooth Sailing On Methadone Seas: The Myth of Self Control

One day after another comes and goes, and every day and in every way I'm getting better and better.

Ok, maybe not every way but I am making progress!

I slipped once in my journey to abstinence from marijuana, and if not for that I would have been clean from smoking anything for over a month now.

It happened like this:

Sitting here one night feeling a little bored and, maybe because of the boredom, a little anxious also. I remembered that I still had my marijuana pipe so I got it out, along with my little tin that I used for storing my drugs in, and had a bit of a scrapping session.

Now as most of you will know marijuana can be a little sticky at times and because of this a little of the resin from the outside of the flowers ends up stuck to the surface of whatever container you use to store it in. If you have ever tried hashish...well its the same thing.

I was able to scrape up enough of the stuff to half fill the bowl of my small pipe. I smoked it and sat back on the couch. As the high started coming on, along with the stoned feeling came a feeling of uneasiness. I felt stoned but it wasn't enjoyable. I thought back to all I had been through to keep myself in a steady supply of this stuff and wondered "why?".

In the past few weeks I had been really enjoying the new clarity of thought and greater ability to focus. I had been able to read again and actually follow a story without having to go back multiple times to re-read the same piece I had just read but forgotten because my mind had drifted off to some faraway place. It's little wonder that my studies had become so difficult. I had attributed my difficulty to the increase in my methadone dose but I knew now that was clearly not the whole story.

I knew that in order to avoid a repeat of this experience - a momentary desire for drugs that once satisfied would leave me with a sense of deep regret - I had to remove the ability to quench the thirst. If there were absolutely no drugs around, no pipes and no needles, then no matter how great the desire I would not be able to do anything about it.

Right there and then I gathered up everything to do with drugs all my tools and supplies, and put them all in a bag. I immediately took them out to my car so I wouldn't forget to do so in the morning. The next day I dropped by the needle exchange, explained what I was doing and handed over all my gear.

I have not smoked anything in the two weeks since that night but I have still been struggling with the desire to inject my methadone. So using the same philosophy I have arranged to change the place I pick up my methadone to the Alcohol & Drug clinic. This means that I don't need to drive into the city to pick up my methadone and therefore won't go near the needle exchange and the needles I need to inject methadone with.

It all comes down to this: Self control is a myth. If you really want to modify your behaviour you must realize this fact and put systems into place that take account of your times of weakness and prevent you from slipping when you are at your weakest points.

Struggles with craving - its beginning again!

Well, here I am again. My brain is running out of artificially induced serotonin, the "feel good" neurotransmitter so I find myself wanting...something, anything that will give me another shot of that substance.
When this weekend arrives I will have been clean of marijuana and nicotine for three weeks - now that's the longest I have been without either of those intoxicants for the past two years or more! The marijuana has been easy by virtue of the fact I have removed myself from the environment in which I was in where everybody around me (even the neighbours) were regular smokers. I think that is the single biggest deciding factor. I mean it's not that I haven't wanted to stop for a long time; its just that my attempts have all been pretty half-hearted knowing as I have that sooner or later I would be offered a smoke by someone and that I would not have the willpower to say "no". Now that I don't have that issue, and because there are no easily obtainable sources close by by new house, it is just so much easier to resist the urge.
With cigarettes, the change of environment has also helped immensely. Once again, there are no smokers around, therfore, I am not being constantly subjected to the idea of smoking (although Hollywood doesn't help us much on that front!). With all these factors falling into place getting to this point has been about environment more than willpower. I think that the most important lesson I have learned in my journey through addiction is that we really don't have any willpower; rather, it's all about setting up a situation where temptation is removed and there ceases to be any need for willpower. However, now I am at this point and the chemicals are really clearing from my system, my brain is noticing this lack of pleasure-giving serotonin and sending the message that to remedy the situation I should seek out a cigarette and a joint. I just have to keep telling my brain that I am doing this for its own good, and that it will thank me further down the line. Once my body and brain reach a state approximating homeostasis then things will be a hell of a lot better for both my body and my brain. For now I just have to keep reminding myself of that fact and stick with the nicotine patches and lots of long walks to keep myself away from temptation.

I sure would appreciate any advice people have to offer...

Setbacks and Progress and Setbacks and Progress

Please excuse my absence from this blog. I have had a difficult few months really. Things were going OK for a while. I was still using but after my last attempt at rehab nearly two years ago I had managed to keep things reasonably stable. My usual schedule of use was to inject a 30mg shot of 'homebake heroin' about once every ten days or so. The problem with such a schedule is that you are always fighting incredible cravings in between times of use.

Eventually I went to see the alcohol and drug service and informed them of the situation - that I was using again and that that use was starting to creep up again. I requested to be put on some sort of opiate replacement therapy and they suggested dihydrocodeine (DHC). For a while this was a good measure. The craving was brought under control but I didn't stop using - I was merely more competent at maintaining a steady level of use rather than gradually using more drugs more often. Of course, as most of you with experience of addiction know, anytime the stress levels creep up so does the drug use.

Adding to my problems with drugs are my problems with social anxiety. In an attempt to self-medicate this disorder, when there was some anxiety-causing social engagement I was due to attend I would combine a couple of days DHC pills (I would get takeaways for the weekend) with a shot of 'homebake heroin' to help calm my nerves. Rather than being a significant aid to my social anxiety issues this practice just made me a boring party guest with a tendency of throwing up far earlier than my hosts would believe was attributable to drinking, and making me look foolish as well as an obvious drug user.

As time progressed the effect of the DHCs was counteracted by tolerance so I transitioned on to methadone. With some effort I managed to institute some beneficial changes. I joined the gym and moved to the country. I was even able to get back into studying toward my psychology degree. For a while things became quite settled and it seemed that going over to methadone had been a wise decision. It even had a significant benefit on my social anxiety. Life seemed to be going peachily.

I have always been attracted to, not only the high that opiates gives, but also the act of injecting. As my relationship with my flatmates at my new accomodation deteriorated and as the stress of exams started looming I began to inject my methadone further and further in advance. This behavior led to my tolerance rapidly increasing. This began a terrible pattern that was bound to end in disaster: I would complain to my case manager at the alcohol and drug service that the methadone wasn't doing what it should. She would put my dose up, and I continued to inject. Before I knew it I hit 100mg of methadone per day and my brain hit slowdown in a big way. Come exam time I was so far behind I didn't even bother sitting them. I got into a major argument with my flatmate and was asked to leave the flat.

Now here I am a few weeks later and things have started to improve. I have managed to stop smoking both marijuana and cigarettes for over two weeks and have reduced my methadone down to 95mg per day. I was able to get a medical dispensation for not sitting my exams because my work had been quite good throughout the year, and I am due to go to a residential rehab program in just under two months time. If I can manage to wean myself off methadone in the next two months and stay off the other drugs then I feel like I will have a really good chance of getting clean once and for all. I know there is a hell of a lot of work to do in the meantime but I feel really positive and hopeful about the future. I feel that in spite of my many setbacks in the past year I have actually come a long way. Now is the time to consolidate those gains and really grab life by the balls and hold on for all I am worth. The payoff will be worth it I know, and the costs of failure too dismal to contemplate. It can be done and it will be. I will keep you informed along the way.