One day after another comes and goes, and every day and in every way I'm getting better and better.
Ok, maybe not every way but I am making progress!
I slipped once in my journey to abstinence from marijuana, and if not for that I would have been clean from smoking anything for over a month now.
It happened like this:
Sitting here one night feeling a little bored and, maybe because of the boredom, a little anxious also. I remembered that I still had my marijuana pipe so I got it out, along with my little tin that I used for storing my drugs in, and had a bit of a scrapping session.
Now as most of you will know marijuana can be a little sticky at times and because of this a little of the resin from the outside of the flowers ends up stuck to the surface of whatever container you use to store it in. If you have ever tried hashish...well its the same thing.
I was able to scrape up enough of the stuff to half fill the bowl of my small pipe. I smoked it and sat back on the couch. As the high started coming on, along with the stoned feeling came a feeling of uneasiness. I felt stoned but it wasn't enjoyable. I thought back to all I had been through to keep myself in a steady supply of this stuff and wondered "why?".
In the past few weeks I had been really enjoying the new clarity of thought and greater ability to focus. I had been able to read again and actually follow a story without having to go back multiple times to re-read the same piece I had just read but forgotten because my mind had drifted off to some faraway place. It's little wonder that my studies had become so difficult. I had attributed my difficulty to the increase in my methadone dose but I knew now that was clearly not the whole story.
I knew that in order to avoid a repeat of this experience - a momentary desire for drugs that once satisfied would leave me with a sense of deep regret - I had to remove the ability to quench the thirst. If there were absolutely no drugs around, no pipes and no needles, then no matter how great the desire I would not be able to do anything about it.
Right there and then I gathered up everything to do with drugs all my tools and supplies, and put them all in a bag. I immediately took them out to my car so I wouldn't forget to do so in the morning. The next day I dropped by the needle exchange, explained what I was doing and handed over all my gear.
I have not smoked anything in the two weeks since that night but I have still been struggling with the desire to inject my methadone. So using the same philosophy I have arranged to change the place I pick up my methadone to the Alcohol & Drug clinic. This means that I don't need to drive into the city to pick up my methadone and therefore won't go near the needle exchange and the needles I need to inject methadone with.
It all comes down to this: Self control is a myth. If you really want to modify your behaviour you must realize this fact and put systems into place that take account of your times of weakness and prevent you from slipping when you are at your weakest points.
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