Please excuse my absence from this blog. I have had a difficult few months really. Things were going OK for a while. I was still using but after my last attempt at rehab nearly two years ago I had managed to keep things reasonably stable. My usual schedule of use was to inject a 30mg shot of 'homebake heroin' about once every ten days or so. The problem with such a schedule is that you are always fighting incredible cravings in between times of use.
Eventually I went to see the alcohol and drug service and informed them of the situation - that I was using again and that that use was starting to creep up again. I requested to be put on some sort of opiate replacement therapy and they suggested dihydrocodeine (DHC). For a while this was a good measure. The craving was brought under control but I didn't stop using - I was merely more competent at maintaining a steady level of use rather than gradually using more drugs more often. Of course, as most of you with experience of addiction know, anytime the stress levels creep up so does the drug use.
Adding to my problems with drugs are my problems with social anxiety. In an attempt to self-medicate this disorder, when there was some anxiety-causing social engagement I was due to attend I would combine a couple of days DHC pills (I would get takeaways for the weekend) with a shot of 'homebake heroin' to help calm my nerves. Rather than being a significant aid to my social anxiety issues this practice just made me a boring party guest with a tendency of throwing up far earlier than my hosts would believe was attributable to drinking, and making me look foolish as well as an obvious drug user.
As time progressed the effect of the DHCs was counteracted by tolerance so I transitioned on to methadone. With some effort I managed to institute some beneficial changes. I joined the gym and moved to the country. I was even able to get back into studying toward my psychology degree. For a while things became quite settled and it seemed that going over to methadone had been a wise decision. It even had a significant benefit on my social anxiety. Life seemed to be going peachily.
I have always been attracted to, not only the high that opiates gives, but also the act of injecting. As my relationship with my flatmates at my new accomodation deteriorated and as the stress of exams started looming I began to inject my methadone further and further in advance. This behavior led to my tolerance rapidly increasing. This began a terrible pattern that was bound to end in disaster: I would complain to my case manager at the alcohol and drug service that the methadone wasn't doing what it should. She would put my dose up, and I continued to inject. Before I knew it I hit 100mg of methadone per day and my brain hit slowdown in a big way. Come exam time I was so far behind I didn't even bother sitting them. I got into a major argument with my flatmate and was asked to leave the flat.
Now here I am a few weeks later and things have started to improve. I have managed to stop smoking both marijuana and cigarettes for over two weeks and have reduced my methadone down to 95mg per day. I was able to get a medical dispensation for not sitting my exams because my work had been quite good throughout the year, and I am due to go to a residential rehab program in just under two months time. If I can manage to wean myself off methadone in the next two months and stay off the other drugs then I feel like I will have a really good chance of getting clean once and for all. I know there is a hell of a lot of work to do in the meantime but I feel really positive and hopeful about the future. I feel that in spite of my many setbacks in the past year I have actually come a long way. Now is the time to consolidate those gains and really grab life by the balls and hold on for all I am worth. The payoff will be worth it I know, and the costs of failure too dismal to contemplate. It can be done and it will be. I will keep you informed along the way.
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