Musings On Drug Use

(Please note that this was written prior to the last post when I was still using Methadone)

Here I sit in the library with heavy eyelids and a bright view of the future. My eyelids are heavy due to the methadone I have injected today - all of yesterday's dose - which combined with today's dose that I drank this morning is having precisely the effect I had hoped for.

Although I remain committed to sobriety I am still in love with opiates - in fact I think I always will be. That is the most difficult aspect of drug addiction to wrap my head around - drugs make you feel good. Sure there are negative effects but with opiates generally those negative effects are few are far between and in any case are primarily caused by the illegal nature of the substances rather than the substances themselves. For example, one negative effect of opiates is their addictive nature. However, if they were not illegal there would be little danger of running out and one could avoid the negative consequences and associated panic of withdrawal. Of course this leaves out the aspect of being beholden to a drug. It is not nice to know that you need any substance, but my need for opiates is hardly different for my need for the medication that keeps my glaucoma under control and protects me from blindness. In both cases the substance in question treats a malady and must be kept in regular supply to avoid serious consequences, yet one class of drug is treated very differently by society than the other.
Of course there is also the aspect of cognitive deficiency caused by using opiates; while I admit the deficiency caused is rather mild and cannot compare to the cognitve impairments caused by drugs such as marijuana or methamphetamine.
So we are left with the question of "why?" What factor or factors exist that motivate my decision to cease using drugs. A primary one is that opiates sap me of my motivation; of my will to do...anything. Also, they give me comfort by insulating me from the hurt of being alive. However by insulating me they also cut me off from full engagement with the world and therefore from a complete understanding of my problems and the path to their resolution. What use is being alive if I am not willling to engage in life; to be honest with myself in regard to my shortcomings and sincerely ask myself what can be done to be a better man.