I apologize for having taken so long to get around to writing this post. It feels as though the great enthusiasm and mental clarity I felt in my first few weeks of sobriety has waned and has now been replaced with the heavy burden of the reality and seriousness of the huge task that lies before me. The more my dose of methadone reduces the more I struggle with the craving to have more - always more.
This past week there was one particular day on which, after taking my dose of methadone for the day, I felt completely unsatisfied. I just couldn't bear the thought of only having my prescribed dose the next day - I needed more. So I made a call and arranged to buy some morphine. I did this thinking that I would be able to then take it to another guy who would have the necessary chemicals to turn the morphine into heroin. Unfortunately when I got to this house I found out that the necessary chemical was scarce all through the opiate using community. There was a possibility of getting some if I waited around, but that was something that even the prospect of a good hit wasn't enough to convince me was something I wanted to do. Instead I thought "bugger this, I'll just go home and inject the morphine straight". Very bad idea as it turned out.
Injecting morphine is never very pleasant as it is accompanied by a large release of histamine in the the body. The histamine causes a sensation of prickling, itchiness and flushing of the skin; however, it is usually manageable. Having been quite some time since my last injection of straight non-treated morphine I must have lost my tolerance for histamine or something because as I slowly depressed the plunger on this dose I felt the largest more uncomfortable sensation that has ever accompanied any injection of mine. I hadn't even gotten a third of the way through the dose when the prickling started. I rubbed my neck and face to try to alleviate the itch and stopped pressing the plunger any further in while I waited for the wave of histamine to pass. Instead it just kept building and building until I pulled the needle out and collapsed on my hands and knees on the bathroom floor with blood pouring out of my arm and the sensation of someone hitting my head with a sledge hammer over and over again. BOOM BABOOM BOOM BABOOM - the drumming of pain continued in my head. I didn't know what was happening. I was scared and my whole head felt like it was on fire. I stumbled to the cold tap still dripping blood all over the flood and my clothes. I grabbed a washcloth, soaked it in cold water and tried to cool my burning skin down in a futile effort to feel a little better. At least the prickly sensation was gone but the pounding in my head remained. I cleaned myself up as best I could and stumbled into the lounge to google "pounding headache morphine injection". I quickly found numerous similar stories generally from people new to injecting or who had injected too much. Many thought it might be caused by bacteria in the injected morphine solution, but the mention that morphine could raise intracranial pressure had me convinced that was what I had experienced; added to the fact that it had been a long time since my body had to deal with the injection of that substance. My body was protesting my stupidity and abuse. "Never again" I told myself.
I have started on the road to sobriety and I owe it to myself to see what I can accomplish without the reliance of drugs in my life. I know that one day I'll use some heroin but that will only be when I have accomplished full engagement with life. When I have overcome my secrets from myself and can look at myself honestly in the mirror and say "what a beautiful day to be alive".
